warning: it is rare for this girl to go into detail on the discoveries of her heart and life (either because i'm afraid of being vulnerable or because i know that most people do not really care enough to read SO many words) but...it seems that anything less, at least for this one week, would just be faking. so here goes...
so far, this week is a powerful whirlwind of smiles and tears, excitement and sadness, daydreaming and reflection.
the last year of my life has been one of tremendous...tremendousness. i can't even really choose good or bad. it's been a year of good. it's been a year of bad. ultimately, it has served as a pivotal moment in the life of jordan.
i feel so young relating the biggest things in my life to school, but honestly, my experience in grad school has been so intimately woven into every detail of my existence these last few years. and if you know me at all on a personal level, you know that my affection for school is...limited. so without giving it too much credit, i have to say that this year has saved me. and in spite of my rebellious tendencies toward my school and my own personal version of "the man," whom i have continually tried to "stick it to," i am more fully myself than i have ever been. all of the awful things that my wretched school put me through, actually kind of set me free.
you know when you have to force a child to do something that they are DREADING, but you tell them that it simply must be done? THEN much to the child's surprise, once they have succumb to the authority's hold on them, they find...it really wasn't that bad. perhaps even, kind of fun? ugh weird. anyway, i was that child, and now i am my own nanny saying- "SEE! that tantrum you threw back there was actually completely unwarranted."
it really wasn't that bad. perhaps even, kind of...fun?
i am walking away from this entire experience with
a greater awareness of myself than i have ever known,
with a few passions that really cannot be contained by life or the limitations put on my curious heart,
with lots of new friends and life teachers who have worn down the callouses of my heart,
and with the knowledge that everyday i am chosen.
(some days i am chosen by friends and boys and employers, but every single day, i am chosen by at least One)
and that seemingly short list of returns for my investment (of time and energy and money and vulnerability) has changed my life.
Thursday, May 12, 2011
in pursuit of rest,
i found hiding.
lying in the shade.
avoiding the light that so fully brings life.
feeble legs relieved,
sweat no longer imposing my brow.
finally! a place to sneak away.
turning cold, i miss the sun.
this is the solitude i once craved;
have i chosen my own abandonment?
stepping out of the cave, i feel lost.
i realize my trail is not mapped out.
so deluded by weeds and rocks, i see the journey will be tough.
but i want to find the light.
the solitude that could not satisfy,
immediately replaced with a craving for something else.
i find the light, and journey up.
the sweat returns, my muscles quickly tire.
but i press on.
"you're almost there. it's worth it," says a passerby.
a fellow journeyman, who brings more hope than he will ever know.
and there it is.
i've reached the top.
i turn to see the view.
"take your moment," i hear myself say.
the journey up perfecting this gift.
and i quickly see that yes,
it was completely worth it.