after the storm

warning: it is rare for this girl to go into detail on the discoveries of her heart and life (either because i'm afraid of being vulnerable or because i know that most people do not really care enough to read SO many words) but...it seems that anything less, at least for this one week, would just be faking. so here goes...

so far, this week is a powerful whirlwind of smiles and tears, excitement and sadness, daydreaming and reflection.

the last year of my life has been one of tremendous...tremendousness. i can't even really choose good or bad. it's been a year of good. it's been a year of bad. ultimately, it has served as a pivotal moment in the life of jordan.

i feel so young relating the biggest things in my life to school, but honestly, my experience in grad school has been so intimately woven into every detail of my existence these last few years. and if you know me at all on a personal level, you know that my affection for school is...limited. so without giving it too much credit, i have to say that this year has saved me. and in spite of my rebellious tendencies toward my school and my own personal version of "the man," whom i have continually tried to "stick it to," i am more fully myself than i have ever been. all of the awful things that my wretched school put me through, actually kind of set me free.

you know when you have to force a child to do something that they are DREADING, but you tell them that it simply must be done? THEN much to the child's surprise, once they have succumb to the authority's hold on them, they find...it really wasn't that bad. perhaps even, kind of fun? ugh weird. anyway, i was that child, and now i am my own nanny saying- "SEE! that tantrum you threw back there was actually completely unwarranted."

it really wasn't that bad. perhaps even, kind of...fun?

i am walking away from this entire experience with
a greater awareness of myself than i have ever known,
with a few passions that really cannot be contained by life or the limitations put on my curious heart,
with lots of new friends and life teachers who have worn down the callouses of my heart,
and with the knowledge that everyday i am chosen.
(some days i am chosen by friends and boys and employers, but every single day, i am chosen by at least One)

and that seemingly short list of returns for my investment (of time and energy and money and vulnerability) has changed my life.

i'm willing to take the risk

in pursuit of rest,

i found hiding.

lying in the shade.

avoiding the light that so fully brings life.

feeble legs relieved,

sweat no longer imposing my brow.

finally! a place to sneak away.

turning cold, i miss the sun.

this is the solitude i once craved;

have i chosen my own abandonment?

stepping out of the cave, i feel lost.

i realize my trail is not mapped out.

so deluded by weeds and rocks, i see the journey will be tough.

impossible, even.

but i want to find the light.

the solitude that could not satisfy,

immediately replaced with a craving for something else.

something more.

i find the light, and journey up.

the sweat returns, my muscles quickly tire.

but i press on.

"you're almost there. it's worth it," says a passerby.

a fellow journeyman, who brings more hope than he will ever know.

and there it is.

i've reached the top.

i turn to see the view.

"take your moment," i hear myself say.

the journey up perfecting this gift.

and i quickly see that yes, 

it was completely worth it.

you're such a backstabber

i know that i am embarrassingly behind on this, but i just watched the social network for the first time.

fascinating. currently looping it.

come here baby, hey be my baby

ocean beach. sunset after drinks at the park chalet. perfection.

i'm kind of loving the new people/things in my life these days.

more to come...

is it alright if i stay here all night, by the shoreline

      

i had kind of a perfect day on tuesday.

went to bolinas and moseyed around the beach for a while.

lots of great time to think about some things.

maybe an experience that left me thinking,

"this could potentially change me forever."

a treasured moment, without a doubt.

to sum it up (in one of those ways that probably still completely leaves you in the dark):

"love is an ocean and i'm a tiny cup"

dj put that record on

okay so let's just talk about something for a minute.

i've developed a bit of a girl crush.

this isn't the same thing i feel for adele, ingrid, or ke$ha.

those are the girls i want to be SLASH (bc that isn't an option)
be best friends with (bc that totally is).

nope. this is different.

i'm like mesmerized by dev.

i think that if i met her, i might feel butterflies or something.

anyway, the point is i obsess over this girl.

and her music.

if you've learned anything about me in our time together,

it should be that i love a good beat.

i love music that i can bump (WAY too loud) while i drive.

and her work is the perfect fix for a junkie like myself.

Dev - Booty Bounce from Little Owl Recordings on Vimeo.

[this is the edited version, which i thought would be more wholesome for the kids]

hope you enjoy. i will be rocking out to it for at least another 9 days, no doubt.

you can grow flowers from where dead used to be

as i sit under the sun

i look around and see

a wonder that i can't explain.

it's all so new to me.

beauty in the struggle,

grace in the consequence,

the flowers poking through.

light that gives life,

color that gives beauty,

and hope that will renew.

and so i choose

to hold onto

the wonder that i see.

let all else go

because i know

the wonder dwells in me.