i wish that you would always stay

via weheartit

"tonight i'll burn the lyrics, 'cause every chorus was your name"

lately i've been having some of those moments that cause me to stop, take a second, and say to myself, "this is your life." i hate to sound like one of those girls who uses her media opportunities to make her life sound like it's straight off the hills. i also hate when people try to prove to their onlookers that they have an amazing life, worthy of everyone's envy. so not what i'm going for. regardless, there are moments worth documenting, and this is my blog so...

i feel like my life is always moving so quickly. and because i am constantly on the go, i've found that i often have to consciously tell myself to be present in the moment. the way that people carry cameras with them to develop a picture of something great that they saw, i am trying to carry...a heart camera...so that i can capture the really great moments and feelings and moods that i get the pleasure of experiencing on this journey.

i'm not very good at taking pictures. well...anyone can whip out a camera and snap a photo. what i mean is, i'm not very good at taking those 20 seconds to create the memory. i tend to fly right through all of the great experiences. so...i'm going to try something new. my new mission is to take those 20 seconds to grab the camera that exists within, capture the moment, and create the memory. 

some recent additions to my emotional scrapbook:

great lyrics (see laundry room lyrics posted above)

sitting on a friend's couch, with nothing to do but enjoy the company

seeing an adorable movie in a tiny old theater and walking back to the car in the rain

getting asked out by a cute boy

...going on the date with the cute boy :)

taking on new projects

discovering and enjoying the common bonds you share with your friends

seeing the avett brothers on stage

the hospitality of others

the return of a dear friend

i'm willing to take the risk

in pursuit of rest,

i found hiding.

lying in the shade.

avoiding the light that so fully brings life.

feeble legs relieved,

sweat no longer imposing my brow.

finally! a place to sneak away.

turning cold, i miss the sun.

this is the solitude i once craved;

have i chosen my own abandonment?

stepping out of the cave, i feel lost.

i realize my trail is not mapped out.

so deluded by weeds and rocks, i see the journey will be tough.

impossible, even.

but i want to find the light.

the solitude that could not satisfy,

immediately replaced with a craving for something else.

something more.

i find the light, and journey up.

the sweat returns, my muscles quickly tire.

but i press on.

"you're almost there. it's worth it," says a passerby.

a fellow journeyman, who brings more hope than he will ever know.

and there it is.

i've reached the top.

i turn to see the view.

"take your moment," i hear myself say.

the journey up perfecting this gift.

and i quickly see that yes, 

it was completely worth it.

is it alright if i stay here all night, by the shoreline

      

i had kind of a perfect day on tuesday.

went to bolinas and moseyed around the beach for a while.

lots of great time to think about some things.

maybe an experience that left me thinking,

"this could potentially change me forever."

a treasured moment, without a doubt.

to sum it up (in one of those ways that probably still completely leaves you in the dark):

"love is an ocean and i'm a tiny cup"

you can grow flowers from where dead used to be

as i sit under the sun

i look around and see

a wonder that i can't explain.

it's all so new to me.

beauty in the struggle,

grace in the consequence,

the flowers poking through.

light that gives life,

color that gives beauty,

and hope that will renew.

and so i choose

to hold onto

the wonder that i see.

let all else go

because i know

the wonder dwells in me.

i won't mind the people when they stare

via richierichhh

"we are intrepid. we carry on."

elizabethtown

[yes, i am officially quoting a kirsten dunst movie on my blog. don't judge me.]

i don't care what happens in life: i carry on.

sometimes it all feels like too much, but (as my turbokick instructor said in class last night):

"look how far i've come."

party rock is in the house tonight

via she takes flight

"Ordinary life does not interest me.  I seek only the high moments.  I am in accord with the surrealists, searching for the marvelous.  I want to be a writer who reminds others that these moments exist."

from The Diary of Anais Nin

know i lived it to the fullest

via happy things

you're an idiot.

and i'm incredible.

there will come a time, you'll see

via happy things

all that i can do right now is dwell in this moment,

embracing all of its perfection.

i'm finding my own way

today my lovely teacher-friend, sarah, taught me some valuable arabic phrases.

via mary ruffle

shway shway.

definition: little by little, step by step

so many big and exciting things are happening for me right now.

and life will never quit busting out the surprises, but at least we can say that it never gets old.

in spite of all of the craziness i have floating around inside my head and heart,

i am covering some serious ground.

and at the end of the day, there are some basic realities, that i can accept and cling to, to get me through:

i have everything i need.

i was born to smile.

i can do this.

the journey makes everything worth it.

so, for now, i'm just taking it all...shway shway.

a picture perfect day that lasts a whole lifetime

via happy things

can i just be honest for a minute?
i really and truly had the most perfect weekend.

you know those moments in life when you just look around and see all the things that you have to smile about?

well...this song totally matches my heart right now, and has been no. 1 on my playlist for the last 4 days...

i may or may not have it on repeat.

love has a mind of its own

[i'm sitting at a sidewalk table in north beach, listening to my mellow playlist and i just can't help but sing out loud. totally embarrassing, yet completely uncontrollable.]

via kelly mccaleb

i saw a tshirt today that looked like one of those magnets you put on the fridge. you know, the one that says, "today i'm feeling...," and you put a frame around the face that matches your mood.

something i've seen a million times, but in that split second after i saw the shirt, the concept suddenly took on a whole new meaning.

ugh...life.

i love how my friends and i (and the rest of the universe) are constantly trying to figure it out, and yet i think the only conclusion we can really come to is that...it's crazy.

some days i set out to conquer, to be a champion, to show life who's boss.

and some days i just try to make it through, to keep my head above water.

and it never ceases to amaze me just how many feelings can exist within me, one simple girl, on any given day.

today i'm feeling...

free

hopeful

loved

broken

completely freaking scared

alone

lucky

alive

umm...

i'm gonna need a bigger frame. 

when we dance you have a way with me

via mary ruffle

breakthrough:

no longer letting life happen to me.

chasing after the life i want.

all eyes on me, in the center of the ring

about a year ago, i received a text from my best friend {in the midst of one of my emotional crises, no doubt} that said,

"lol you care way too much about what people think. RELAX!" 

and i saved it so that i can look back when i need to be reminded of this tendency of mine.

well...last night a received another tool of empowerment to assist me in this struggle...

this rad little kid, with his missing front teeth and awesome feather-like ponytail atop his head, became an inspiration of mine. when he and his party arrived at the game, he confidently walked up to his seat and began to enjoy, leaving the rest of the group behind as they stood and timidly configured a plan just for sitting down. he didn't need any help. he didn't want to sit and think through the effect his actions would have on everyone around him. he was just ready for the party to begin.

the phrase that comes to mind when i look at him is this:

"I DO WHAT I WANT!"

and while i think he might be just a bit more bold than most children his age, he does possess a quality that i fear has been stolen from me in my journey into adulthood.

of course as an adult this looks very different; i want to be considerate of others and i want to make good decisions for myself. i cannot simply walk through life saying, "I DO WHAT I WANT!" i think i know some people like this, and they aren't very fun to get close to.

all i'm saying is: 

if i suddenly get the urge to go to a giants game with my hair in a tiny little ponytail above my face...

{i'm going to make everyone think it's this season's latest trend}

if i want to overcome my timidity and quit thinking so much about everything...

{i'm going to simply walk straight up to my seat and let the game begin}

and if by some horrible chance my two front teeth somehow get knocked out of my mouth, well...

{i'm going to make it look like i did it on purpose}

if i say you're the one, would you believe me?

via clock without hands

via an obliterated heart

via coffeestains

via i am the crime

via i am the crime

via mary ruffle

via pretty young things


i'm a total girl. sometimes i hate that about myself. and sometimes i love it.

i'll try for your love

via mary ruffle

okay so...question:

what do you do when you have

just TOO MANY thoughts?

my tendency is to make myself super busy so that i don't have to think.
is this healthy? do i need to embrace the thoughts/feelings? or is there a certain point when i can say:

enough is enough{!}?

words of wisdom?? do any of you do this? how do you deal? any non-thinking hobby suggestions??

go to sleepy little baby

do any of you ever wake up from a good sleep with a ton on your mind?? it's like everything is magnified by 50 billion in those moments. 

every worry, every stress, every emotion. gag.

and being up when no one else is awake to talk to you? ugh...straight up misery. 

dear nyquil: please kick in.

thanks,

jordan

paint me in your sunshine

weekend/beginning in review:

i do really well when i choose to be alone. i'm a total girl when i don't.

duffy just might be the greatest hot-tub companion in the world.

if i go into h&m and then proceed to try on, i will definitely not be leaving empty handed. done deal.

i like brussel sprouts.

paul's amberales + sunlight + chocolate covered sunflower seeds + good conversations about tupac and missy elliott 

= perfection.

dinner parties with a bunch of strangers can be so much fun.

{well...strangers + 1 really great family + 1 completely FAB friend}

so ready to make at&t park my 2nd home again this summer.

watching {eh hem} someone attempt to wear a coffee mug as a ring is enough to make me cry...from laughter.

watching that same someone carry my heart to such new and amazing places might also be enough to make me cry...for different reasons.

via i am the crime

"why be alone when we can be together baby? you can make my life worthwhile, i can make you start to smile"

{mr. big}

you are my sunshine

via coffeestains

"jordan, i feel alone."

...you and me both, girl.

we're weird.

question:

did any of you see paper heart?

delicious.

these two people are maybe the most ridiculously awkward people alive,

and they fall in love.

and it works.

i have some quirks.

i am becoming increasingly aware of them.

sometimes they frustrate the crap out of me,

and i know they frustrate the crap out of those close to me :)

but it's me.

i think jane austen was a genuis. and i'm pretty sure that she, too, captured this element of love so perfectly

when mr. knightley says to emma,

"maybe it is our imperfections, which make us so perfect for one another."

so, while i can't promise perfection, i can promise me. and all i want is you. and i think that this could work. just saying.

happy tuesday everyone.

xoxo

ps. i hope that this post was not too "esoteric" for you. i guess i'm guilty of that. i also hope that i used the term "esoteric" appropriately here. 

another ps. this guy at peets thinks he's keanu reeves. gag.

rufus

this morning i was having a conversation with a friend, and i felt like i was back in middle school again. after i hung up, i just saw myself as this dorky girl in the midst of all of puberty's glory. we're talking drew barrymore in never been kissed kind of behavior. i over-shared. i stumbled over my words. i think i seemed way more enthused than my friend. it was just weird.

and what really blows my mind is that i felt that way pretty much  all day long.

i mean...what's with that?

anyway...crossing my fingers...

that this is just me being a girl, 

that i am the only one pickin' up on the josie grossy behavior, 

and that this feeling is gone when i wake up in the morning.

i guess the good news is that things worked out pretty well for her in the end. prom queen and she gets the boy. done deal.

"can i have 5 minutes on the clock please?"

really hoping that some of you do this too

:)